Level Advanced: Into the Double Digits!
Tomorrow, the 1st of September, marks my first day of many to come as a Year 10, into the double-digit years, into high-school and all that it has to offer. Maybe it’s the high-school musicals, or the Means Girls that I have watched multiple times, but the level of chaos and effort to maintain that work-life balance that goes on behind the 4 years of HS, is utterly terrifying. Am I prepared to take on the amount of work assigned? When will I get to relax again? What will this amount of hard-work amount to? Well, actually, I should start with the part where we actually work hard and study effectively, with all the extracurricular activities I have signed up for myself (though the CCAs are an enjoyment of its own kind).
I felt as if I had reached the “roof” of what I can achieve in my last academic year, endless afternoons of just locking myself behind my bedroom door and grinding out past papers; With its rewards, of course, but I’m not so sure what kept me going, slowly sinking me into the enjoyment of learning. 10-year-old Winnie would be so proud. To be completely transparent, something turbulent inside of me is tossing and turning, excitement is what I should be feeling, but fear is what I’m actually feeling, the thought of exclusively going to classes that I picked, and the need to do perfect in those classes make me terrified. Do I have this much faith in myself? I cannot tell you. Not right now.
I have spent the last 2 months of summer trying to discover what I like, outside of school, solidifying the materials that I’ve already learned, and yet at the same time, treating the summer, like a summer. If you haven’t seen my first ever post, it’s about my dilemma of trying to get the fullest out of the summer while not exactly feeling guilty about it, and to put it best, I’m sort of “rusty”, I know well and clear that I haven’t got out of the “day day play” mode and into working mode. Which, the working mode will be way more intense this year and last year I tried so terribly hard, getting that measly 30-minute nap on my bus to school and appreciating the little things I get to enjoy (e.g. my Friday night), but I’ve recently got my schedule for the week down and planned, realizing that everyday I’d have a different activity, only because I want to improve a bit of everything.
When I shared this concern with my mom, I was disappointed that she hit me with one of those reality bombs: I can’t be greedy. I cannot be wishing to outdo my classmates in grades, doing badminton trainings and yet still want to watch a few YouTube videos till late at night, I will only decrease in productivity and increase in tiredness. Call me ambitious, but she was right (I didn’t want her to be), I was mentally drained (for a 14-year-old) near the end of my end of year examinations. I’ve always thought that that 1-month period is the weirdest times, it’s like you’re so close, yet so far, and if you mess up now, all that you’ve worked for goes to the recycling bin. During those times, I was watching a YouTuber by the name of “Kharma Medic”, who, as the name suggests, is a medical student and incoming doctor; Naturally he dealt with lots of exams and the most important one he was going to do was the UCAT, essentially deciding whether you’d become a doctor or not. He was reflecting on how the amount of exams he had taken during medical school had basically made him immune to the feelings of exams, he was numb to the idea and exams are just like another quiz. I’d love to sit down and interview him because I desperately wish to have that mentality, but I’m just not there yet, miles away from that state, actually. Also, I know what they say: “You’d be less stressed if you were prepared!”, but that honestly just made it worse. Now I have amounted more pressure on myself to know every piece of knowledge, grind out every past paper and ace it.
Sorry if this was a bit of a rant session, because I’ve been rambling on about absolutely everything school but, I’m back now. The feelings of a new academic year have now truly sunk in and the only thing keeping me going is treating this like a game: It gets harder and harder the more levels you pass, with cosmetics being rewarded along the way, but before you reach the Big Boss, Year 10 is just another level advanced.
Thanks for reading and see you all in a bit
-Winnie 31/08/2022
